Acton, Barkingside, Barnet, Beckenham, Brentford, Bromley, Carshalton, Cheam, Chislehurst, Cowley, Cranford, Croydon, Downe, Ealing, Edgware, Farnborough, Feltham, Green Street Green, Hampton, Hampton Wick, Harefield, Harlesden, Harlington, Harmondsworth, Harrow, Hornchurch, Hornsey, Hounslow, Kingston, Mill Hill, New Malden, Northwood, Orpington, Penge, Pinner, Plaistow, Ponders End, Purley, Romford, Ruislip, South Norwood, Southall, Southgate, St Mary Cray, Stratford, Sutton, Teddington, Thornton Heath, Uxbridge, Walthamstow, Wanstead, Wealdstone, Wembley, West Wickham, Whitton, Wimbledon, Yiewsley
I believe that to be a complete list.
(If you've looked closely at my map you may be a bit suspicious by now, and something strange is definitely going on, but I stick by my list and my total)
I used the National Street Gazetteer to confirm all of this. It's a definitive list of every street in the country, its name, its classification and its status. I searched for every street called 'High Street' and I did this for every London borough. Then I looked to see where they were on the official map and transferred them to my Google map. Should be watertight.
The High Street closest to the centre of London is High Street in Harlesden, which is a teensy squidge closer than High Street in Stratford. Both are just over five miles from Charing Cross.
London's longest High Street is High Street in Harlington. This runs from just north of Heathrow Airport across the M4 towards Hayes and is 2.10km long. It's marginally longer than High Street in Hampton. This runs from the Thames along the edge of Bushy Park towards Fulwell and is 2.08km long. No other High Street exceeds a mile in length.
The shortest High Street is High Street in Wembley. This isn't a proper high street, it's a brief residential cul-de-sac near the stadium which just happens to head sharply uphill so I guess that's why they called it High Street. It's barely 50m long. The shortest proper High Street is in Ealing and is 170m long.
London's shortest High Streets: Wembley (50m), Ealing (170m), Harmondsworth (180m), Pinner (190m), Mill Hill (200m).
(All these measurements are taken from my Google map, not anything official, so take them all with a pinch of salt)
The borough with the most High Streets is Bromley which has 10 (Beckenham, Bromley, Chislehurst, Downe, Farnborough, Green Street Green, Orpington, Penge, St Mary Cray, West Wickham), closely followed by Hillingdon which has 8.
What's weird is that only 18 London boroughs have a High Street and 15 don't. And what's particularly weird is that every single one of London's High Streets is in Outer London. Inner London has a big fat zero.
The reason for this is that all the High Streets in Inner London are called Something High Street. For example there's Shoreditch High Street, Kensington High Street, Marylebone High Street and Deptford High Street. Whatever you might call them, their official name is Something High Street (or in one case High Street Something), never plain High Street.
The Inner London borough with the most Something High Streets is Tower Hamlets with 6 (Bromley, Poplar, Shoreditch, Stepney, Wapping, Whitechapel), closely followed by Wandsworth which has 5.
I'm not sure why Inner London is High-Street-free, and I wonder if it's because the GLC pre-1965 (or some other road-naming predecessor body) forbade it.
There are also a number of Something High Streets in Outer London. They're not exclusively an Inner London thing.
Something High Streets in Outer London: Barnes, Bexley, Colliers Wood, Crayford, Erith, Foots Cray, Merton, Mortlake, Sidcup, Welling
Bexley has 6 Something High Streets. The only borough without any kind of High Street whatsoever is Barking & Dagenham.
The longest Something High Streets are Lewisham High Street (1.73km), Kensington High Street (1.58km) and Plumstead High Street (1.42km). The shortest Something High Streets are Stepney High Street (160m), Foots Cray High Street (170m) and St Giles High Street (190m).
(If you're wondering where Streatham is, given it's often quoted as London's longest high street, its name is Streatham High Road so it doesn't count)
Two awkward quirks are High StreetNorth and High Street South in Newham. One runs north from Newham Town Hall past East Ham station and the other runs south to the A13. If you combined them they'd be 3.4 miles long making them London's longest High Street, but officially they're separate roads with different names.
I've made another map with ALL the High Streets on.
The Something High Streets are in red.
(I haven't embedded it, I've given you a static image, but click on it and it'll take you through to a proper Google map)
This gives a much better spread of High Streets across the capital. But see how the red ones are almost all in the centre and all the black ones are round the edge.
Overall that's 57 proper High Streets, 43 Something High Streets, one High Street Something, one High Street North and one High Street South. You could argue that makes a total of 103 High Streets.
But if you want the proper number of High Streets in London, I've counted and there are 57.
I've not been especially balanced in my recent reporting of the capital.
• Yesterday I went to Carpenters Road in the constituency of Stratford & Bow where Labour's Uma Kumaran is going to walk it.
• The day before I went to Ham in the constituency of Richmond Park where Liberal Democrat Sarah Olney is sure to keep her seat.
• The day before I visited five stations in Brent West where Barry Gardiner is firm favourite to retain the seat for Labour.
• The day before I climbed three peaks in Lewisham North, Lewisham East and Lewisham West and East Dulwich, which are baked in for Labour.
• Even my 13 mile coastal walk from Littlehampton to Shoreham is pencilled in for threeLabourgains.
To redress the bias I've made a special effort to visit a constituency where the Conservatives are expected to win at the upcoming General Election. I checked the latest predictions on the Electoral Calculus website and was relieved to see there's one London seat they're projected to retain. So I went there.
Old Bexley and Sidcup
Importantly that's Old Bexley, not Bexleyheath where all the big shops and services are. Old Bexley's where the history is, like the flinty medieval church and the old watermill, not to mention the pub in the high street which dates back to the 15th century. The good citizens of Old Bexley are such proud monarchists that the King's Head's innsign already depicts a smiling Charles III. Also the hair salon opposite has not one but two Union Jacks dangling outside, each additionally adorned with poppies and mention of D-Day 80 because it wouldn't be right to get your perm done otherwise.
All is not entirely well because the ULEZ starts at the bottom of the high street, but anyone who insists on not paying can always turn off down the A2018 instead. More cheeringly the almshouse front gardens are glorious, the bakery sells cream horns and the Village Emporium is well stocked with Everything You Need For A Party including stationery. Also the sex shop has longer opening hours than the library nextdoor, which for many a resident is the correct ordering of priorities. I always think it's very appropriate that Bexley street signs have a defecating dog where the borough logo ought to be, because nothing says true blue better than a passive aggressive fingerwag.
The chief town in theconstituency is Sidcup and that's where Old Bexley & Sidcup Conservatives have their HQ. Here it is on Station Road, an end villa identifiable by the St George's bunting in the tree out front. The sign by the garden wall is "sponsored by Signs of the Times (GB) Limited" but contains no other information, i.e. it's literally just an advert, which seems an appropriately mercenary way of raising money. This is where Old Bexley & Sidcup's latest MP will have been selected, that's local lad and former financier Louis French who took the seat comfortably in a by-election in 2021. He says on his website he's particularly proud of "the new library and cinema in Sidcup", so that's where I went next.
The library was closed. That's because it was a Thursday and not even the biggest library in the constituency opens more than four days a week nowadays. This in turn is thanks to 14 years of Tory economic policy voted through by Louie and his predecessor, but it's fine because their constituents voted for it too. By contrast the accompanying cinema is open daily and its cafe opens at 9.30am, which no doubt explains the lingering smell of popcorn in the lobby. Who needs Dickens and Shakespeare anyway when you've got The Garfield Movie upstairs? It's worth noting that this redeveloped civicsite also incorporates nine new flats, none of them affordable because it wouldn't be right to have poorer people taking advantage.
The constituency contains three grammar schools because in this corner of former-Kent educational opportunity continues to depend on divisions created in the 1950s. The most central of the three is Chislehurst and Sidcup Grammar, known locally as Chis & Sid, which is actually in Lamorbey. Do well in your 11+ and you get to wear a purple blazer, do badly and you're sent to Hurstmere further down the road in black. This prestigious grammar school was rescued from the imposition of comprehensive education by the indefatigable Margaret Thatcher, although I'm not sure she'd be overly impressed by the Progress Pride rainbow flag that's currently dangling out front.
To sample a less woke corner of the constituency I also ventured to Blackfen, a suburban crossroads by the A2. It's a great place if you like living in the 1930s, indeed even the very old-looking pub on the corner is a complete 1931 rebuild. Key voters looking to spend their triple-locked pension will be pleased to hear that Tonics! is fully stocked with menswear for grown-up mods and rockers, while J Ayre bakery still sells gypsy tart like your favourite school dinnerlady used to make. Residents who fled the inner city after the war should find their lunchtime needs satisfied by LB's Pie & Mash, or alternatively the Blackfen Cafe where 'Stewing Steak' is permanently one of Today's Specials. Full marks too to the chip shop which has been frying since the unbeatably nostalgic year of 1966.
The constituency's sense of defiant independence is perhaps best summed up by the gentleman with the tattooed head who I spotted buzzing up and down Westwood Lane in his roofless Reliant Robin. He had a fake numberplate [FUQ KHAN] to tell the populace know what he thought of ULEZ, and an actual numberplate suggesting he was being charged £15 a day for the privilege. Such is the way of things in the wild blue yonder of Old Bexley & Sidcup. Of course the constituency's most famous MP was former Prime Minister Edward Heath, he who led us willingly into the Common Market, and it turns out he grew up around here so I went to see where.
This is 106 Green Walk in Crayford, two streets back from the River Cray, where Ted resided until the age of seven. He was born in Broadstairs but his father had a job making wooden frames for planes at the Vickers factory because there was a war on, so initially Crayford took precedence. It's possible to imagine him trotting down the front steps into what would then have been an unpaved front garden, but not then heading off to piano lessons because he didn't start those until he was eight. However his house isn't actually in Old Bexley & Sidcup, it's in Bexleyheath & Crayford, and according to multiple polls that's currently leaning heavily for Labour. The very idea feels incredulous, but perhaps Ted's former seat will help to prevent a total Tory wipeout in the capital.
Carpenters Road has reopened again. It has a habit of doing this.
It first closed in 2007 so its rundown automotive industries could be snuffed out in readiness for the Olympics. It took until 2014 to reopen, freshly sanitised, as a link road round the back of the Olympic Park. It then closed again at the end of 2018, this so that construction could begin on Boris's Olympicopolis. And it's since been closed for five and a half years while what's now the East Bank has taken shape, finally reopening in the last couple of weeks to very little fanfare. Allow me to grumble my way down it.
The previously-shut half-mile starts by the Aquatics Centre, alongside the badly-phased traffic lights and the 9/11 statue hardly anyone knows is there. Nobody's hurried to take down the Road Closed sign, but that doesn't seem to have stopped through traffic finding its way because satnavs know about road reopenings almost instantaneously. Access to the swimming pool car park remains open, this part of the street shamelessly prioritising vehicles over pedestrians who get to go on an annoying diversion to avoid the tarmac swirl as if those on foot were an afterthought.
If you know the wide footbridge which leads from Westfield to the Olympic Park we're about to walk underneath it. On one side are some bike racks and on the other side a painted box waiting to become a bus stop. It's a ridiculously long bus stop capable of accommodating three luxury coaches, which might admittedly be the point, but the occasional double decker will look somewhat adrift. Annoyingly this bus stop isn't connected to any pavement, only to a zebra crossing where passengers are expected to cross the street safely, but this crossing is so far away I doubt most people will bother to use it.
The bus stop also buggers up the otherwise excellent cycle lane. For most of the reopened section this is broad, segregated and bi-directional, i.e. pretty much perfect, hugging the undeveloped side of the street alongside the Overground tracks. But once the very long bus stop intrudes only the southbound lane can continue, sneaking through before being dumped unceremoniously back into traffic. Northbound cyclists are instead left to share the pavement on the other side, then expected to cross the street via an unsignalled crossing, the same crossing bus stop users probably won't use either. I can see what the designers were trying to do, creating safe routes that look good on paper, but equally I can understand why the only cyclists I saw ignored the lot and rode down the road instead.
A bit further along is another crossing with very temporary-looking belisha beacons. This one's odd because the stripes are really narrow, nothing like a proper zebra, and because it only leads to a bike lane not to anywhere pedestrians should be. I suspect this may be because it's meant for cyclists rather than pedestrians, particularly those nipping out from the cycle store under UAL, but as yet it isn't signed as such. To be fair a small army of workmen are still finishing off this side of the street, tweaking laybys, beds and paving, but I doubt it'll make any of this ridiculous complexity any more practical.
The pavement side of the street follows the back of East Bank, the Olympic Park's burgeoning cultural destination. Here we find the back of Sadlers Wells, the back of the BBC, the back of UAL and the back of the V&A - not the grand public entrances facing the Olympic Park but the backdoors and the delivery bays. Pedestrians don't seem particularly well protected from reversing lorries but maybe there won't be too many of those. There's also a northbound bus stop, this time much more accessible and already with its shelter in situ. It too however is stupidly long, extending right across UAL's main delivery entrance, as if whoever painted the yellow box had no idea how little space an occasional double decker takes up.
TfL have just announced which bus route will be stopping here and it's the 241. This currently runs between Silvertown and Stratford City and the intention is to extend it to Here East via the East Bank. Along the way it'll also weave round the emerging neighbourhoods of Sweetwater and East Wick, one of which as yet has zero houses, so this is more TfL looking forward than trying to be useful now. It'll bring the number of bus routes serving the Olympic Park to three, the others being the 388 and 339, and it'll also be the third bus route to serve Carpenters Road this century, the others being the 276 and 339.
Coming rather sooner to Carpenters Road are two long staircases leading up to where the action is at footbridge level. Sadlers Wells will only be accessible from up there, not from down here, so prepare to climb four flights to the main entrance (where the You Are Welcome neon sign won't be switched on until the end of the year). The steps beside the V&A will lead up to another footbridge which'll allow swifter escape to the John Lewis end of Westfield, already seemingly complete but as yet still sealed off. One day you'll also be able to walk round to the front of East Bank at riverside level, where the refreshment concessions are built and waiting but as yet without any tenants, or indeed much in the way of footfall.
But you can already walk into UAL from Carpenters Road through the back entrance, anyone can, they welcome it. This fashion college welcomes all kinds of visitors, more usually via their front entrance on the river-facing terrace, which is also the quickest way into their latest exhibition. This was still being set up last time I came so I had to content myself with going wow at the central staircase and internal architecture. This time I explored the lot and it's excellent, plus finding all the subsections involved wandering round several public parts of the building, plus it's open until 22nd June so if you're in the Olympic Park you should go too.
The exhibition's called Making More Mischief: Folk Costume in Britain and explores culture via the special clothes people wear so it's highly appropriate for a fashion college. Morris dancing plays a prominent part, from intricately sewn waistcoats to a raggedy hobby hoss, not to mention the horned foliage of Gay Bogies on Acid from Hastings' Jack in the Green. I particularly liked the collection of rag dolls attempting to replicate the costume of every UK Morris troupe, which after ten years now encompasses everything from the Hexhamshire Lasses to the Blackhorse & Standard. Also covered in these galleries are the Notting Hill Carnival, Swan Uppers, Pearly Kings and Queens and the actual Bridport Hat Festival, that's how diverse this exhibition is.
While you're here you can also pick up a leaflet for a 3 mile Folk Traditions Walk around Hackney, Stratford and Bow. This is beautifully done and comes with an associated audio accompaniment, so for example you might find yourself standing at Bus Stop M learning about Elizabethan dancing clowns and oystershell grottos. A fully online version can be found here. The exhibition meanwhile continues downstairs with a celebration of Somali weddingwear (including a hybrid hoodie) and a corridorful of button-heavy Pearly memorabilia. And if you follow that corridor to its administrative end you'll find yourself walking out into, aha, Carpenters Road very close to the dodgy zebra crossing. It's not all terrible, Carpenters Road, indeed you may have noticed I stopped grumbling about four paragraphs ago.
I'd say that's about as diamondgeezer a question as it's possible to ask.
And we have an answer.
And I've been there.
It is however a very difficult question to answer, much harder than where's the busiest.
I tried to answer it last year when TfL released a Weekday Passenger Data spreadsheet providing the number of boarders at all 19,827 of their bus stops during the month of June 2022. Unfortunately the data suggested 117 bus stops picked up no passengers at all that month, suggesting a tie for last place. Unfortunately a lot of these were Hail & Ride locations which aren't really bus stops. Unfortunately the accompanying blurb admitted that the data collection had failed at a number of bus stops so couldn't entirely be trusted. Most unfortunately it wasn't actual passenger data, it had been sampled and scaled and averaged giving ridiculously accurate numbers to five decimal places, so you couldn't be absolutely sure which of the 117 notional zeroes was actually zero. I sighed and left the question unanswered.
You'd expect London's least used bus stop to be on a route served by just one bus route, ideally an infrequent route, meaning there aren't many opportunities to catch it. You'd also expect it to be somewhere quiet or rural rather than on a high street or a housing estate. And, if you think about it, you'd expect it to be very near the end of the route so there's no real point in getting on.
Last year's data dump included several such locations amongst the 'zero-rated' bus stops.
» Tatsfield Green, two stops before the end of route 464 in the Surrey village of Tatsfield.
» Downe Court Riding Centre, three stops before the end of route 146 outside the village of Downe.
» Beaverwood Road, two stops before the end of school route 638 in St Paul Cray, Orpington.
» Sevenoaks Road and The Hillside, the first two stops on route R5's enormous Knockholt loop.
» FranksCottages, served by route 347 just four times a day in the wilds beyond Upminster.
» Mortlake Station, a stop served by mobility route 969 just twice a week.
These are all terribly convincing "I really can't see why anyone would get on a bus here" bus stops, even if very occasionally people do. But none of them are the official least busy bus stop, because we do have a winner and it's all thanks to another FoI request.
The petitioner also asked about other modes of transport, and TfL provided this impressively comprehensive response.
These are reassuring answers because they match previously known facts about most and least used stations and tram stops, as previously documented on this blog as part of AnorakCorner. Also Brixton Station was by far the busiest bus stop in last year's datadump, so that stacks up too.
But where in London is Dysart Avenue? I had to look it up.
Ambiguously there are three bus stops called Dysart Avenue, two in Richmond and one in Kingston. Thankfully there's only one road called Dysart Avenue, a residential street in the village of Ham, and all three stops are clustered around that. But which of the three is the least used?
All the clues are there.
Here's the pair of stops on Dukes Avenue.
Both are served by route 371, a bus which weaves between Richmond and Kingston every 10 minutes. It's quite a busy route with 2½m passengers a year, so it would seem quite unlikely that route 371 is involved. Bus Stop P is also the first stop on route K5, so that would doubly rule it out as London's least used bus stop.
My suspicions therefore turned to bus stop YA, the stop on Dysart Avenue itself, which is served only by route K5. This bus runs every 30 minutes on a weaving route between Ham and Morden and is a 1-door operation used by more like 0.4m passengers a year. The route's also 12 miles long so those passengers are spread out mostly elsewhere, not here at the western terminus. This must be the stop we're looking for.
Here's what's going on around here, busroutewise.
The three Dysart Avenue bus stops are all roughly where the asterisk is. The 371 sweeps through along Broughton Avenue picking up all and sundry. The K5, however, starts and finishes here and does so via a loop.
The blue dot is Bus Stop YA, London's least used bus stop, which is the first stop on the loop. The yellow dot is the K5's final stop on Beaufort Road before it runs back empty to the asterisk. There's only one other stop round the loop, at Lammas Road, which for some inexplicable reason must have more passengers for its one-stop journey than Dysart Avenue does for two.
I had to give it a try.
I sidled up to London's least used bus stop just before a half-hourly K5 was due. If I needed confirmation that very few people do this, it came when the man in the house opposite emerged to put something in his bin. He eyed me suspiciously, walked back to his front door and eyed me again, then eventually went inside. After a few seconds I saw the net curtain in his doorway lift and a frosted face stared through for what felt like ages before disappearing. Passengers at Dysart Avenue must be a proper rarity.
When the K5 arrived two passengers got off, which didn't seem very "London's least busy bus stop" until I remembered TfL can only count boarders, nor alighters. We set off round the loop, which was a lot more mundane and residential than you'd expect from riverside Richmond, the Thames never quite being visible. It took 1 minute 50 seconds and would have been even quicker if only an Ocado delivery van hadn't been badly parked. I could instead have walked to the terminus in less than five minutes, so although the journey wasn't entirely trivial I'm not sure why anyone would catch the bus. Presumably they don't.
Now that TfL have identified London's least used bus stop I look forward to hordes of people turning up to visit, just like they do with least used stations, maybe even a Geoff Marshall video. But having been to Dysart Avenue I have my doubts that it genuinely is London's least used bus stop. Hardly any passengers yes, but Ham seems too much of a built-up area for this to be the lowest of the low, plus why would the ante-penultimate stop underperform the penultimate?
What about The Rabbits, the penultimate stop on the ridiculously infrequent 375 approaching the rural terminus at Passingford Bridge? What about Tyssen Place, the penultimate stop on four-times-a-day route 347, a mere 300m walk from Ockendon station. What about Shaftesbury Lane, the penultimate stop for route 404 in Coulsdon, which is just a dozen houses from the terminus up Cane Hill? Why instead is it Dysart Avenue, a five minute walk from the end of half-hourly route K5 in Ham?
It strikes me that we have no idea how TfL worked out their least used FoI, only the outcomes they came up with. Who knows what dataset they used, how they ordered it, how much estimating was involved or whether the correct row of the spreadsheet was selected. I guess I could put in an FoI to ask what the methodology was, but even then I expect I'd get a vague defensive incomplete response because that's how the FoI game works.
In the meantime London has an official least used bus stop and it's Dysart Avenue in Ham.
Unless it isn't.
Not the actual line itself, that's 118, but the current extent of the line with trains operating between Harrow & Wealdstone and Elephant & Castle. Elephant's been the southern terminus since 1906, despite umpteen attempts at an extension. But the northern terminus has varied quite a bit, especially in the 1910s and the 1980s, and it's exactly 40 years since it settled permanently on Harrow & Wealdstone.
A short history of the northern end of the Bakerloo line
The Bakerloo line extended incrementally over the course of a decade from 1907 to 1917.
March 1906: The line opens. Baker Street is the northern terminus.
March 1907: Marylebone (then called Great Central) is the new northern terminus.
June 1907: Edgware Road is the new northern terminus.
December 1913: Paddington is the new northern terminus.
January 1915: Kilburn Park is the new northern terminus.
February 1915: Queens Park is the new northern terminus.
May 1915: Willesden Junction is the new northern terminus.
April 1917: Watford Junction is the new northern terminus.
In 1939 the Met's Stanmore branch was transferred to the Bakerloo line, and 40 years later transferred to the new Jubilee line.
November 1939: Stanmore become another northern terminus.
April 1979: Stanmore becomes the Jubilee line's northern terminus.
The Watford Junction end of the line was never well served, with far more trains terminating at Queens Park than continuing all the way. For example in 1932 two-thirds of northbound trains got no further than Queens Park, eight every hour reached Harrow & Wealdstone and only four made it to Watford. British Rail were running alternative services so Watford Junction wasn't totally missing out. But in 1965 the need to cut costs saw Watford trains reduced to peak hours only, and in 1970 reduced to just eight trains a day, four in each peak. Off-peak the Bakerloo line ran no further than Queens Park. This paltry service continued until 1982 when costs needed to be cut still further.
September 1982: Stonebridge Park is the new northern terminus.
Here's how that looked on a tube map.
Trains all day to Queens Park.
Trains in the peaks to Stonebridge Park.
British Rail only to Watford Junction.
But this cutback wasn't popular so the GLC met the costs of re-extending peak services as far as Harrow & Wealdstone. By 1987 they were off-peak too, as they have been ever since. But the crucial date when the northern terminus rebounded to Harrow & Wealdstone was 4th June 1984, and that's how it's been ever since.
4th June 1984: Harrow and Wealdstone is the new northern terminus.
I've been for a walk along the Harrow & Wealdstone extension for the 40th anniversary, and it wasn't much of a treat but it did help to explain why running tube trains is much better than not running them.
Stonebridge Park
From September 1982 to June 1984 this was the northern terminus. The station's strategic importance for scheduling is that a large Bakerloo line depot exists just to the north so it makes sense to run trains this far. A train turfs out here roughly every 15 minutes. Like the rest of the stations on this section it was built by BR rather than LT so it's a bit utilitarian. The '2' on platform 2 still looks very Silverlink, not very Bakerloo.
To get to the next station you can take the number 18 bus.
Wembley Central
This is one of the tube's uglier stations, buried under a concrete raft since 1965 when Station Square was built. Ten years ago they dumped a stack of flats on top, which despite being colourful still look grim as anything, but that's modernday Wembley for you. In the ticket hall is a map showing the London Northwestern Railway network, which is ridiculous because Wembley Central's not on the map because LNR services no longer stop here. Only hourly Southern trains between Watford Junction and East Croydon stop here now. According to the sign above the gateline these trains also go to Milton Keynes but they haven't done that since 2022. Throw in a National Rail poster about face coverings and hand sanitiser and there's a real feeling of Totally Can't be Arsed about Wembley Central.
To get to the next station you can take the 483 bus but it goes all round the houses so it's probably faster to walk. It's not a nice walk though, first a genuinely dead-end estate then an oppressive railside alley, and I'd actually recommend taking the bus.
North Wembley
This is no stunner either, a small brick building which looks like a two-storey house with one floor missing. The ticket hall is small and a bit gloomy and faces onto busy East Lane. Yesterday the gates were wide open so you could have travelled up the line for free without having to Push Your Luck. The only interesting feature, which is excellent, is a huge painted ghostsign above the roof which once pointed down towards R.A. Squibbs & Partners Estate Agents. That's now the much blander Wembley Estate Agents, Mr Squibbs having passed on, but more fool them for changing their name given the huge advert bearing down.
To get to the next station you can't take a bus and even driving is indirect so best walk, it's only ten minutes and the midway alleyway's not so bad this time.
South Kenton
This is proper minor, a glum subway adrift in suburbia. A staircase leads up from the middle of the gloom to a lonely island platform, and because there isn't room for ticket gates it's one of few ungated tube stations on the network. It also has a water ingress issue so the waiting room's currently closed and the ticket machine won't accept cash because there's nowhere to store it. The chunky Dutch-gabled hostelry alongside is The Windermere - you might remember it from the Capital Ring - and couldn't be more optimistically 1939 if it tried. South Kenton is invariably the Bakerloo line's least used station, and rightly so.
To get to the next station you can take the 223 bus via Woodcock Hill, but I walked across Northwick Park which is a very big park but mostly deep grass or cricket pitch so I wouldn't necessarily recommend.
Kenton
Incredibly similar to North Wembley, but without the ghost sign and with a lilac parapet alongside.
To get to the next station you can take the H9 bus, and although it goes all round the houses it's still probably faster than walking. It's a sloggy backstreets walk with a brief light industrial interlude, and you're not missing much if you miss it.
Harrow & Wealdstone
A big-hitter station, at least in terms of mainline calls, even if it doesn't feel it these days. Outside looks bold and solid but step within and you can tell it's seen better days - a long-shuttered newsagent, a once-grand pillar, an overtrodden stair. There are quicker ways to get here from town than the 50 year-old trains with the semi-legible destination, but if you want to sink into the seat cushions the Bakerloo's the only way to travel. To Harrow & Wealdstone, the end of the line as of 40 years ago today.
Sometimes you just want to go for a nice walk, triple-summited, great views, waterside stretches, plenty of up and down, easily reached, all-weather surfaces, a bit of history, occasional dead people, refreshment opportunities, two hours filled. So here's a five mile circuit in the southeastern suburbs, not enough to make a day of it but a nice walk all the same.
The Brockley Three Peaks Walk sprang to life in 2016, a ‘green-chain’ walking route designed by the local community to link a trio of hilly open spaces. The summits are Blythe Hill Fields, One Tree Hill and Hilly Fields, each a distinct contoured hump which avoided becoming housing at the start of the 20th century. None are anything the Peak District need worry about but they're pretty good going for zone 3. The circuit could also be called the Two Cemeteries Walk because there's a quite a lot of grave-weaving, or indeed the Three Shopping Parades Walk because it was also designed to showcase local independent traders. The route's not waymarked but there is a gorgeous map to follow which was funded by Ladywell ward assembly and designed by Lynda Durrant.
Finding that map is rather harder, given it has no official online presence. In the early years the walk's profile was rather higher because an annual charity walk was organised, the Lewisham Three Peaks Challenge, but that alas fizzled out during the pandemic. Folded copies of the map were supposed to be available at the Hilly Fields cafe but that's not at the start of the route, it's 95% of the way round, and although I did see a somewhat frayed copy stuck to the counter I wasn't willing to wait for the coffee and baguette queue to die down to see if they still had any to take away. Oddly enough the walk's biggest long-term champions have been Thameslink who've sponsored a pristine map outside Crofton Park station (and also on the Eddystone Road footbridge), so you could simply take a photo and use that. Or do what I did and find a high-quality jpeg the organisers posted on Twitter eight years ago before going annoyingly low-res in later years. Your effort will be rewarded.
Start - Ladywell station
The first mile is lovely, it's Ladywell Fields, the linear greenspace which hugs the Ravensbourne down to Catford. The first bit is particularly nice, featuring a braided channel weaving over pebbly shadows past wildlife-dense undergrowth, which is particularly impressive to those of us who remember it 16 years ago as a freshly-cut notch overseen by an insane number of safety notices. Continue past the irises or the cafe, any route south will do, my river-hugging choice delivering excitable waders, tennis courts a-go-go and a prematurely-hoarding squirrel. The park's most annoying feature is the double-spiral footbridge needed to cross the railway halfway down, a dividing line every jogger, dogwalker and cyclist has to patiently slog across every time. I hadn't noticed the sign on the far side before, but The Number Of The Bridge is six hundred sixty-six, hence it's sometimes known locally as Satan's Bridge. Local event: The Ladywell Fields User Group meet four times a year, and next week (June 13th) is their annual walk in the park.
Here the map includes a brief optional detour to the Ladywell Water Tower, which I'd never seen before so I detoured. It stands incongruously on a suburban bend, a very-late Victorian brick tower which originally served a workhouse, and whose narrow interior has since been subdivided into three flats and an Airbnb. Worth the extra five minutes I'd say. Back on track Ladywell Fields continue to be lovely, particularly riverside, including a chance to admire the LewishamDutch Elm which is one of the last and largest left in London. But we're not quite going to Catford, the trail instead veers off up a climbing sidestreet to pass through narrow verdant Ravensbourne Park Gardens. Fans of muted civic fury will enjoy the message from Austin, long-term leader of the park's user group, who's angry that the council have not made good on a successful 35K bid for play equipment AND REFUSE TO ISSUE ME, AS PARK USER CHAIR, WITH A COMPLAINT REFERENCE TO RECENT CORRESPONDENCE. Local event: Montacute Road becomes a Play Street on the first Sunday of the month between 1pm and 4pm, so you've just missed yesterday's thronged closure.
Peak 1 - Blythe Hill Fields(70m)
The first peak creeps up on you because the ascent has been gentle and suburban, this before a brief alleyway leads direct to the crest of a grassy slope. It's easily the best of the three peaks if you want a view, the trees on the northwest flank being low enough down to provide unbroken sight of a skyscrapered horizon. From left to right there's the Shard, then a particularly clustered view of the City, then a surprisingly long gap before the mass of Docklands thrusts shinily skywards. In front of these are the tiled roofs of hundreds of 1930s semis, and up top insufficient benches to properly accommodate all those wishing to enjoy the verdant panorama. A very new arrival is the Blythe Hill Fields Tiny Forest, planted just six weeks ago under the watchful eyes of a Blue Peter presenter, in which 17 arboreal species have been squished into a patch 15 metres square. BHF is a bit of a treat all round. Local event:Blythe Hill Market takes place monthly, specifically next Saturday, as local makers, creators, coffee and food stalls gather by the playground.
If you pause on the descent outside 85 Duncombe Hill, the house with the Cyberman's head in the window, it's possible to see every peak on The Three Peaks Walk (plus Forest Hill where the Horniman is, which isn't). At the foot of the slope is the first minor deviation designed to hit some shops, this the parade along the quiet curve of Brockley Rise where the buses park up. If you opened a greengrocers called Marvellous Greens & Beans round my way people would laugh but here it thrums with socially-responsible punters, ditto Smokey Yard, La Querce and The Wellness Rooms. Options get even more middle class on the parade leading up to the Overground station, where linked businesses called Honor Oak Provender and Honor Oak Vintner face off across the street, although there's also a Domino's and an old school chippy because not everyone in SE23 reads The Observer. Local event: Honor Oak's Women's Institute meets on the first Tuesday of the month at Stanstead Lodge Cafe, but tomorrow is Policing and Crime so maybe wait for July which is a talk on Madagascar.
Peak 2 - One Tree Hill(90m)
This is the toughest of the three climbs, in that the first time you think you've reached the top you've merely crossed the road to St Augustine's Church and still have several more flights to go. One Tree Hill would appear to be very badly named because trees are everywhere, entirely shielding the view apart from a narrow slot towards the City, but one tree does take pride of place by the summit. This is the Oak of Honor, after which Honor Oak is named, under which Queen Elizabeth I is supposed to have rested on May Day 1602. Alas it's not the original, it's a replacement oak planted by two Camberwell councillors in 1905 after the hill was stripped to become a golf course (then promptly saved by howls of public protest). Descend via the Acid Grass Patch, the Poplar Copse and not quite so many steps, but only when you're ready. Local event: The Friends of One Tree Hill are holding their AGM at St Augustine's tomorrow at 7.30pm, including two short talks on allotment ecology and radicalism (All Welcome!!)
The first cemetery on the walk is Camberwell New Cemetery which is still a busy place of interment. The route threads past the chapel, the crematorium, some very fine rose bushes and several questionable poems on gravestones. 'A Brickie Sadly Missed' won my doggerel trophy ("No job too big, no job too small, he will always be the best of all") but you might pick differently. The trail then crosses back over the railway via the footbridge with the Thameslink-sponsored map I mentioned earlier, past the almost-never-open Buckthorne Railway Cutting Nature Reserve. I'd say the subsequent deviation down to St Hilda's church is entirely unnecessary, although it does loop you back past the Brockley Jack pub/theatre which otherwise you'd miss. Local event: The next Buckthorne Railway Cutting Nature Reserve Open Day is this Saturday from noon, promising 'cakes, music, art and craft and beautiful scenery'. Local event: The next play at Brockley Jack is The Valentine Letters, based on Frances Zagni's book, from 11th-22nd June.
Crofton Park has the longest shopping parade of the three, even if you cut the corner and skip to the Jerk Garden. Its highlight is undoubtedly the Rivoli Ballroom, a much loved entertainment venue with a genuine 1950s dancefloor, although it's more of an evening place than somewhere for a walker to drop into. Alternative refreshment options include the London Beer Dispensary for ale on tap and Arlo & Moe for something pastry-based with coffee. Cemetery two is the somewhat awkward Brockley & Ladywell Cemeteries, conjoined since 1948 when the dividing wall was taken down. It's a massive space with only two entrances and no obvious path weaving between the two, so do try not to get lost in the swirling semi-overgrown labyrinth. Here I met a walking-sticked old lady who wished me Good Morning, even though it was actually four minutes past twelve, and you'll be pleased to hear I had the common decency not to correct her. Local event:Ballroomwise, Friday 7th June sees Reggae at the Rivoli while Saturday 8th is The Big 90s Night.
Peak 3 - Hilly Fields(53m)
The final peak is the largest and busiest, much beloved by residents of Brockley and Ladywell alike, but also the lowest of the three so the view is disappointing in comparison. On its slopes I found sunbathers and little kickabouters, various outdoor gymmers, a lot of picnic blankets, a well-organised family with a table full of salad dips, a painted trig point and a dog perched on top of the stone circle. The busiest section was around the summit cafe, as previously mentioned, whereas Alan's Soft Ice Cream Van had no takers for its lemon ice cones or its £3.50 99s. I wondered how many of those enjoying Hilly Fields knew that the other two peaks exist, or indeed had ever walked the Walk, before I trotted down Vicars Hill and completed the loop for myself. Local event:Brockley Max, the nine day community arts festival, has just begun, and although you've missed the Foxborough Gardens Mural Open Days and the Women's Drumming Circle you're not too late for Saturday's big Art In The Park finale on Hilly Fields.
20 things we learnt from TfL FoI requests in May 2024
1) The three Elizabeth line ticket offices which sold the fewest tickets in 2023 were Acton Main Line (2736), Hanwell (3375) and Maryland (4037). That's about 10 tickets per day. 2) The installation of new brighter lighting inside Bakerloo line carriages started in 2021 and was completed in April 2024. The average rated level of luminance registered is 471 Lux. 3) A very special orange-covered tube map was produced for the launch of the six Overground line names in February. TfL won't print you a copy but you can download a pdf. 4) There are 291 Dial-a-Ride drivers (and no plans to recruit more). 5) During the 2023/24 financial year TfL spent £2,970,568 on gas and £339,065,996 on electricity. 6) The smell on the Elizabeth line platforms at Liverpool Street is not thought to be mould and is believed to be a pump issue, 7) The combined cost of mid-life overhaul of the four escalators at Cutty Sark DLR station is £845,695.05. 8) The noisiest section of the Jubilee line, as recorded inside the carriage, is westbound from Bond Street to Baker Street at 91 decibels. 9) From 1 November 2020 to 28 November 2023 a total of 17,669,059,123 numberplate records from Automatic Number Plate Recognition cameras were submitted to the Metropolitan Police Service Back Office Facility (i.e. approx 6 billion checks a year). 10) The Hopper fare on buses and trams saves passengers an estimated total of £50m a year. 11) Some Piccadilly line platforms will require minor changes to platform end barriers, existing station equipment and signage to facilitate new longer trains (which should enter testing "later this summer"). 12) The withdrawal of bus route 549 will not save money because it's part of a wider network change scheme that increases mileage. 13) Canning Town bus station has been a scaffolded mess for years, but renewal works should finally begin in January 2025 (subject to affordability). 14) Catford & St Mary Cray are not shown as step-free on the latest printed tube map - this is an error and TfL will work to rectify this. 15) There are currently no plans to include the London Overground to Battersea Park on the tube map as it is a very limited service and run for contractual reasons rather than a passenger service. 16) Income from lost property sales in 2022/23 was £193,231.39. The two sales which made the most money were an Apple MacBook Pro 14" laptop (£1,043.25) and a green leather Christian Dior shoulder bag (£570.98). 17) The cinema screen at the east end of Canary Wharf station was last used in 2014. An assessment is being done by the Art on the Underground team regarding any future use of the screen and projection equipment. 18) The only level crossing on the Underground network is inside Neasden depot. 19) In the last 10 years, only two people have died after falling between a tube train and the platform. 20) Superloop route numbering "is based on moving clockwise from a logical point, the top. North Finchley is nearest to “12 o’clock”. The numbers are then sequenced clockwise."
40 things I've learnt about sex over the last 40 years
1) Nothing ever prepares you for the first time... 2) ... not even the fact that the biology textbook always falls open at the same page 3) The first time is always a ghastly mistake (I'm extrapolating this from a single occurrence, obviously) 4) The second time isn't much better 5) It does get better eventually, but intermittently 6) When it's good, nothing prepares you for how good it is 7) It swiftly becomes apparent that sex education is inadequate 8) Some people need it regularly and crave quantity over quality (oddly enough they're the unlucky ones) 9) Some people don't need it regularly and prefer quality to quantity (oddly enough they're the fortunate ones) 10) People in the former category should wash their sheets more often 11) You should always know where your towel is (ideally within arm's reach) 12) The nagging urge that says you must do it because it'll be excellent is too often wrong 13) You always wish you were doing it more frequently than you actually are 14) Sometimes you can wait for months only for it to last for seconds 15) Remember, the other person's supposed to enjoy the experience at least as much as you are 16) People who you'd really like to do it with generally don't want to do it with you 17) People who'd really like to do it with you, you'd generally not touch with a bargepole 18) You only spot people you'd really like to do it with when it's impossible to make contact with them (eg at a funeral, on the opposite escalator, from the top of a bus, on the way into work) 19) Just because someone's gorgeous doesn't make them compatible 20) Always listen to the small inner voice that screams "no, don't" (because it's invariably correct) 21) Certain very bad things are actually terribly enjoyable 22) It takes an annoyingly long time to work out how you like to do it best (only to be disappointed by how few other people like to do it that way) 23) The more you narrow your tastes, the less likely they'll be satisfied 24) Orifices aren't everything 25) You get more if you couple up (and far less if you don't) 26) Unprotected, no other activity can either create a life or destroy it 27) Never do it without considering all the possible consequences 28) Never do it in a single bed and stay the night (your spine will regret it) 29) It works better if the hotel maid doesn't interrupt 30) Sometimes "oh go on then, why not?" beats "eek, no" 31) Sometimes "eek, no" beats "oh go on, then why not?" 32) The internet has made doing it much easier 33) Smartphone apps have made doing it ridiculously easy 34) Just because it's become ridiculously easy to do, doesn't mean everyone's doing it 35) The most erogenous organ is the brain 36) As you get older, you may still want to do it but fewer people are interested 37) The trick is to end up with more memories than regrets 38) There's nothing worse than waking up next to someone you realise you shouldn't have done it with 39) There's nothing better than doing it, then falling asleep in the arms of the one you love (but only so long as they're thinking the same thing) 40) You'll never forget the first time, but you won't notice it's the last time
How many spoons do you have?
I can't say I've counted but I've accumulated several over the years. I have my main dessert spoons, soup spoons and teaspoons from a discounted Jamie Oliver cutlery set I bought from TK Maxx - six of each - plus three dessert spoons from my previous set (the rest snapped), plus five dessert spoons and six teaspoons from my previous twirly Argos set, plus a big serving spoon and three wooden spoons, plus six spoons my landlord left behind, plus six plastic spoons given away with some drink in the 1990s, plus 13 old spoons I think I inherited from my parents and grandparents, so I guess I have 61 spoons.
Have you ever milked a cow?
No but I have ridden a horse, had a snake around my neck and fed a tortoise. Only one of these happened in Lowestoft.
What did you have for lunch on 30th July 1989?
It was a Sunday so it was a roast, in this case roast lamb, which obviously I doused liberally with home-made mint sauce. There would also have been roast potatoes, yorkshires, peas and probably some other vegetables sourced from the garden. Unusually we opened a bottle of wine but only because it was a gift, we wouldn't normally have bought any. To follow we had apple pie and custard, which would have been a proper pastry pie my Mum baked swimming in delicious Birds custard, a combination which basically can't be beaten. I then did all the washing up, mainly to avoid having to listen to Gardeners Question Time.
What's the most northerly object in your flat?
Technically a wall, but if you want an object then it's a white cable linking my TV aerial socket to a signal booster.
Which is the most-read Diamond Geezer post?
A tour of the History Trees in the Olympic Park, which is ahead of everything else by a factor of three.
Does the UK have the worst pedestrian crossings in Europe?
No. In Albania zebra crossings are a relatively recent innovation and most don't have dropped kerbs except in the more affluent suburbs of Tirana. I'm not saying that Albania has the worst pedestrian crossings in Europe, but the UK definitely doesn't.
Quickies Salt or pepper? pepper Coke or Pepsi? if forced, Coke Blur or Oasis? Blur
Is Keir Starmer left wing enough?
No and yet yes. It'd be nice if he had the guts to support some of the leftier proposals he's backtracked on since becoming leader, like scrapping tuition fees and increasing taxes for the highest paid, but the most important thing is to get into power because even Keir's least brave policies are more left wing than anything the current bunch have done over the last decade, and who knows perhaps he'll surprise us all with something even Rebecca Long-Bailey would approve of.
What's the best Quality Street?
That's plainly a subjective question but personally I prefer the Strawberry Delights. I could happily eat a tub of just those, so special thanks to my brother for giving me a bagful for Christmas.
Where did you go yesterday?
The City, the Beverley Brook, an industrial estate in Sutton, Penge, a bus shelter outside the launderette on New Cross Road, the outskirts of Blackfen and the Greenway (amongst others).
Who was the first person to risk a surely?
In global terms I couldn't tell you but in this blog's case it was a commenter called Rob. In October 2002 he said "Surely everyone should be stopped from having kids anyway... there are far too many poeple on the planet as it is", and this is an excellent example of why you should never risk a surely.
Have you ever been on television?
Yes, most recently filmed from the BBC helicopter as the Queen's hearse passed through Northolt. Before that I was in the crowd several times during the 2012 Olympics, not that I ever spotted which pixels were specifically me, and I'm pretty sure I must have been in the balcony shot after William and Kate's wedding. But my most significant appearance would have been on Sunday 18th November 1973 when I appeared on Songs of Praise - a special edition from St Michael and All Angels' Church in Watford sung by choirs from local schools. I wasn't just in the congregation, our choir also got to come up to the front and sing a hymn by ourselves, so anyone tuning into BBC1 that evening just after seven would have seen me looking small and cherubic in the front row. Viewing figures were massive in those days, there being so few channels, so I must have got an audience modern-day EastEnders can only dream of. After the recording I tried to get Geoffrey Wheeler to sign my order of service but sadly I left it a bit late and all I got was a scribble from the churchwarden.
What's always in your supermarket trolley?
A packet of plain chocolate digestives, 4 pints of semi-skimmed, a cucumber, own brand crumpets, fruit yoghurts (flavours vary).
Quickies Spring or autumn? Spring Butter or margarine? neither Lemon Jelly or Röyksopp? Röyksopp
What's your favourite London pub?
I don't really have a favourite London pub, nor a favourite piece of music, nor a favourite type of cheese. I don't really do favourites, not to the extent that one option raises itself significantly above all other options, but I always thought the toilets in the Princess Louise were pretty special.
What's wrong with you?
Quite a lot, and that's just the diagnosed stuff. I was the first person in my class at school to have to wear glasses, also there's a scar on my leg from where I had a mole chopped off, also I have a problem with heights especially on long staircases with no obvious support underneath. I can't claim to be the world's most sociable person, nor the nicest, and I still regret the way I behaved in 1997 and that answer I gave in 2011, but nobody's perfect.
When you approached Wrythe Recreation Ground, did you notice that the raised part is in fact covering an air raid shelter?
No.
Where would you like to go?
Oslo, Chesterfield, the battlefield at Waterloo, Arran, the Sistine Chapel, Luxembourg, St David's, St Kilda, Lisbon, Berwick, the railway around Mount Etna, Fountains Abbey, Warsaw, Sutherland Bay, Vancouver, Spalding at bulb time, Tokyo, St Keyne Wishing Well Halt, Jersey, Baarle-Hertog, Lewes, Gibraltar, Settle, Carlisle, Settle-Carlisle, Arundel, the Victoria Falls, Golden Cap, Huddersfield, Sydney, Forfar, Belfast & the Giant's Causeway, Petra, New Zealand, Billericay, the Alps, through the Panama Canal, Roseberry Topping, Anchorage, the South Pole, Mars, other places. comments
What's your radio tuned to?
The clockradio by my bed is tuned to Radio 1, as it has been since the 1990s. The other radio by my bed is tuned to Radio 4, mainly for the midnight news. The digital radio in my living room is tuned to Radio 6Music most days but Radio 2 on Saturdays.
Have you ever dialled 999 from a burning phone box?
Yes.
